Am feeling disheartened today, things haven't been going so well lately. Have been attempting to maintain an alternative lifestyle away from the stresses of the 9-5. I used to travel to work early in the morning via public transport and would get so anxious/flustered, I'd break out in an itchy lumpy rash. I'd sit under the bright, clinical lighting in the office, coiled tight like a spring, tense and rigid. I'd attempt to force creativity between the hours of 9-5, whilst the boss would peer critically over my shoulder. I felt depressed but the money was necessary. I particularly remember one morning, standing on the train station platform in tears, feeling embarrassed, surrounded by strangers. I wanted to run home, away from prying public eyes and hide in my room, relax, recouperate. Everything got too stressful and so I had no choice but to take a break. I decided to cut down on my spending and attempt to earn a living independently, believing that time, health and freedom are far more important than money and affluence.
It upsets me that people have to work hard in a job they hate, just to survive. They go to work during the day, and then they go out at night and get drunk to ease their sorrows, wasting the money they have worked so hard to earn on alcohol, cigarettes and taxis. Anything to escape the boredom, the pain of existence, to experience that false and fleeting feeling of spiritual enlightenment or euphoria. Running cars/motorbikes which cost an extortionate amount just to enable them to get to work and then working to be able to run their vehicles. I am trying hard to escape that lifestyle. I earn dribs and drabs of income, I choose my own hours, when I am feeling productive and inspired, I create. When certain cynical/negative individuals or the world itself is getting me down, I cut myself off, take a break, but have not yet managed to fully achieve my dream of self-sufficiency.
I realise it's too difficult for me to remain in the public eye everyday, I use the internet to control how much the outside world intrudes into my life and effects me. Maybe you can go through your days, oblivious to what other people say and do but I absorb everything. In my father's words, I'm "too damn sensitive!" I have to protect myself but on the other hand too much time by yourself is dangerous for your state of mind. Finding a balance between human connectivity and time alone is important. I have been criticised for wasting time, *writing about spiritual ideas as it is not earning me any income (stop being a dreamer, be realistic, get a proper job) but it is important for my well-being. Expect the skeptics and conditioned in society to judge and ridicule you for straying from the norm. I guess * it gives me the "God" feeling (not that I think I am God but feel closer to him/her, the universal energy, source etc), I feel more alive, more content in the knowledge that there is a deeper meaning to life, something operating under the surface. I get a similar emotion from being creative or reading a spiritual/new age book, listening to Sigur Ros or watching an inspiring film like Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, Vanilla Sky or What Dreams May Come.
After you die, you cannot take anything physical/material with you, all you have is your ethics, your beliefs, your experiences. However, I need to survive and it is difficult adapting spiritual ideas and alternative lifestyles to the real world. If anyone has successfully managed this, please tell me how? I keep trying but sometimes feel I am getting nowhere. Am I too negative? I have applied for several creative projects recently but have heard nothing yet. I am not an unethical business person, I cannot lie, cheat and force potential customers/clients to buy something they do not need or want. I often lack confidence. Should I return to the 9-5, should I return to menial labour? I worry about money, as unfortunately you need it to survive. Am I alone?